Being Single (and Undocumented) is Hard

Did you guys see that article “Being Single is Hard” by Emma Lindsay? It was great. I read it out loud twice. I shared it with friends and coworkers. It was empathetic and real.

And it got me thinking about marriage and being single and undocumented. You see, it’s all of what that article said. And more.

The reality is: If I got married to an American citizen, I would no longer be undocumented.

This leads to people falsifying marriages so they can get papers. It leads to selective dating of only American citizens. And, for me, it also adds a lot of pressure. Because suddenly dating isn’t just about dating, it’s about the possibility of everything changing. Or it’s a waste of time—time that could’ve been used to be with someone else with whom it’d work out.

There’s also the obvious. How will this guy react to knowing I’m undocumented?

I like taking pictures of trees from underneath them. This one was in New Orleans (one of my favorite cities).

But even more than that, I hate the thought that I would owe this man so much. His marrying me would make me a citizen of this country I’ve been living in since I was 7 years old. What could I bring to the table that could ever even it out? How can I ever compete with that? I fear he’d hold it against me. Or worse: that I’d feel indebted to him and act like I were indebted to him for the rest of my life, despite his reassurances.

Add to that the fact that I’m Christian and I’ve followed all the rules I was expected to follow. That means I haven’t really dated. So my not dating has not only made it so I’m 27 and unmarried, but I’m also 27 and still undocumented.

I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could not think about all of this when it comes to dating. That I could just go for it carefree and hopeful. But I carry it with me. When do you tell a guy you’re undocumented? (Maybe referring him to this blog post is the answer.) What will he think of me? Will he think I’m with him just because of documents? Would he hold it against me? Is he ready to go through all the immigration processes marrying me would require? I carry these questions with me.

So yes to the article about how being single is hard. All that she said is so true. The expectation that we’re supposed to make ourselves “better” so we can get married. The fact that it’s harder to be healthy when you’re single. The lack of physical touch (especially when you’re Christian and restricted). Yes. All of these are a thing.

But, gosh, being single and undocumented is really really hard.


My Pink Headboard

Dear Future Husband,

Yesterday I painted my queen-sized headboard pink. It’s my first headboard and it’s a hand-me-down. So it needed some work. I went to the store for chalkpaint fully planning on getting a nice neutral color (neutral colors are hard for me), but once I saw all my options, well…I couldn’t help myself. Scandinavian Pink it was. 

I’m writing this because, well, I honestly was thinking about you. Would my future husband be ok with a pink headboard? Shouldn’t I get a neutral color? The ladies helping me pick the color thought so. But I’m at a point right now that I’m tired of holding back because I want to get married one day. 

I’m going to do all the things I want to do, even though I’m single. I know I’m not going off getting artificially inseminated because “I don’t need no man”….  And maybe I’m late. And having a pink headboard isn’t a big deal. But for me it is. 

It’s a choice I made for me. Not for my family. Not for people’s expectations. Not for you. 

And I figured you’re a feminist enough that you’ll be ok with pink.