Before we get into this, let’s all get on the same page: I don’t know how to date. If you refer back to this post in which I tell a bit about how Christian purity culture sucked away all of the possible experience and the knowledge that would’ve come with that experience, you will see how I know nothing.
And maybe you’re those nice, hippie people who would give me herbal tea and say, “Oh, Aline. No one knows how to date. We’re all just figuring it out. It’s different with each person.” You’re wrong. You know more about dating now than you did when you were 13 because when you were 13 you thought you could get pregnant from sitting in a jacuzzi. So, you’re wrong.
Imagine I’m that 13 year old but with access to BuzzFeed.
Anyway, I’ve tried online dating before for like a month. I, of course, developed too strong feelings for someone and it was doomed from the beginning and Adele’s new album came out while we were calling things off and now every time I listen to it I cry a little harder than everyone else. Because everybody cries at Adele songs but I CRY at Adele songs. A little extra mucus.
It’s been a year since Adele’s album came out, you guys. And it’s 2017. And we don’t have a black president anymore. And we don’t have a woman president. And everything is not ok. And all of this makes me think that maybe it’s time to spread these 13 year old stunted wings and try this thing again.
If the world ends in a month or if I’m deported because the Kremlin sees no value in Brazilian immigrants, let it not be said that Aline Mello didn’t try to date. Remember me by how hard I tried, friends. Not by how well I succeeded.
Anyway, I’m on Bumble. Because I tried Tinder in 2015 back before I knew everything was going to suck and now that I know everything is going to suck, I figured I’d try a more feminist app.
There are some rules. Ahem.
1) Can’t have too many selfies (adjusted from my previous hard rule “No selfies allowed at all” because I realize people have become sad loners and don’t have anyone to take their pictures and I don’t want to write off sad loners. Maybe sad loners are what I need right now). Too many selfies tell me that you probably have eight selfies on your phone for every one you chose for your bio. And I can’t be with a guy who has more selfies than me saved on their phone. I just can’t.
2) Can’t have too many shirtless pictures (and don’t get me started on shirtless selfies). Like….we get it. You’re hot. You work out. ONE PICTURE tells us that. Five pictures tells us you’re obsessed.
3) AAALLLL of your interests can’t be physical activities. So, you like kayaking and running and hiking and basketball and soccer and you’re part of an ultimate league and a city kickball team? Really?? Do you have time for a job? Meals? A personality? Dude. I know you have Netflix. I know you watched Daredevil and Jessica Jones and Luke Cage—binged as soon as they came out. Let’s not lie here.
4) Blank bios don’t work for me. So I see your pictures but know NOTHING ELSE about you. How am I going to know you’re not a serial killer if you don’t put that you like the Tina Fey-Amy Poehler dynamic in your bio?!?! I’ll have nothing to go on so I’ll assume the worst.
5) Anything sleazy/creepy/too strong/cliché on there. Stuff like, “just a king looking for a queen.” There is a queen in London and she is taken by a wonderful man who loves her and I know you know because you’ve been watching The Crown. “Living my life one day at a time.” So are we all, dude. “Impress me.” Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………no.
6) I’m not allowed to swipe left on guys just because they look like they voted for him. But, you guys, it’s been hard.
That’s pretty much it.
I started it last weekend and I’ve already experienced a few glitches. One: Bumble limits the word count on your bio. And I refuse to shorten my words like a teenager. So I can’t fully express all that I am on my bio info 😩
Here it is:
Two, and probably MAIN glitch: GUYS DON’T RESPOND. After we match, I know it is on me and me alone to message the guy first within the first 24 hours. I take this responsibility seriously, so I go ahead and shoot a “hey! How is your day going?” Which, to me, sounds like a nice, typical conversation starter. But no. Apparently, dear readers, it’s not enough. What do these guys want?? A pick-up line? Something witty or funny or interesting?!
GASP! IS THIS THEIR REVENGE?!?!
Somebody go tell these guys that I was never at those bars or clubs or beaches or parks or school dances (wherever guys try to pick up girls), so I wasn’t one of the girls who turned them down after a first line. No revenge needed here, please.
Well, I decided to stir things up and just go crazy. I bet guys do this too. They’re just like “BILL!! GUESS WHAT?!” (They’re yelling because they’re in a bar and there’s loud music playing) “I’M GONNA GO OVER THERE AND TELL THAT GIRL SHE’S HOT! WISH ME LUCK, MAN!!” And boom. He tries his luck. And whether or not it works out, he lives to see another day.
Recent attempts at mixin it up:
So Raheel had a hilarious bio. A RARE OCCASION because guys are trying really hard to be cool, so they don’t bother with trying to be funny on dating apps. I sent him the first message as soon as we matched. 23 hours later and no response. So I was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and went for it. It didn’t work, folks. It didn’t work.
Next, I just winged it with Mike:
He still has 24 hours. Will he reply???? Will he read it and scoff?!?! Or will he forget he downloaded the app in the first place and never realize I’d sent a message and in February when he decides to clean up his apps so he can have more room for food photos on his phone, he’ll see my message and realize that I am, in fact, the one who got away?!?!????!??
Stay tuned for more Aline Tries Dating.